Monthly Archives: June 2012

The Perfect Fart

Posted on by
2

Every now and then you get to experience a moment, a moment that stands out and makes it all worth while. Last night at the dinner table, we had a moment like that, and it was all because of a fart!……

Sitting around the table our soon to be four-year-old attempted to make a joke. Someone must have told her a knock-knock joke, and she was unsuccessfully trying to copy it. She was saying “who’s there” and then responded with gibberish names like “boobobodu”, amusing herself greatly along the way! Despite her amusement, my husband decided to teach her how to tell a real joke.

This lesson in how-to-tell-a-knock-knock-joke was quite entertaining. He was delivering the information in a very pedagogic manner, but she was in no way picking up on it. “Okay so I say knock knock, and then you say who’s there“….”knock knock“……. nothing! “When I say knock knock, then you have to ask me who’s there….”knock knock” ….. nothing! You could almost hear the crickets! He tried to clarify and explain in various others ways, but it was just not going to happen!

Not about to give up on her sense of humor, he decides to persevere. Maybe she needs to see the joke executed to understand it? And so I take over the part of responding to the knock knock. Quite proud of himself, he tells the only knock-knock joke he knows (something about a banana and an orange). The punchline hits, and … nothing! The crickets are louder than ever! Determined to make her laugh, he gets out his iPhone, and starts searching the internet for better ones. He delivers one knock-knock joke after the other – she not so much as raises an eyebrow! Her facial expression is much like the one of a bored teenager. I suggest he finds one with farts or poop. He ignores my request, probably hoping he can make her laugh at something slightly more substantial, but finally, in the lieu of nothing else working, he gives in…..

” Knock knock”
” who’s there”
” interrupting Fart” (already at this point her eyes widen and she starts giggling)
” Interrupting fart……”
” prrrrrrrrfffffffffttt!!!!” (loud fart noise)

She’s in tears! She’s holding her belly with laughter! Looking back and forth between the two of us, making sure we also realize just how incredibly funny this is! Her laughter gets us going, and now we’re all laughing – including middle-child, who has no idea why, but starts laughing along from her high chair.

And then it happens, it gets even funnier! All the laughing makes her squeeze out a real fart! A perfectly loud vibrating fart! She’s now falling of her chair laughing! And we’re right there with her! I have water spitting out of my nose and my husband is wiping tears from his eyes. It’s the most mindless, simple and silly thing to be in tears over, but that doesn’t matter – It’s perfect!

Family life is busy. Every day is filled with routines, appointments, obligations, places to be and people to see. At times it’s easy to get lost in it all. The day will pass, and I don’t remember what I did that morning. Meals will be served, and I have no recollection of what we talked about.The hours and the minutes just came and went. Last night I remember exactly what we talked about and I giggle at the thought of the laughter we filled those minutes with!

In that moment we were truly present with one-another. Our minds weren’t on the next days routines or on making sure the kids finished their broccoli. All minds were on the hilariousness that was a fart! You can not fabricate a moment like that. It was a simple week day, we were eating leftovers, it was an effortless situation -  it was priceless! And it makes everything else worth while!

Is this supposed to be good for me?!

Posted on by
1

We’ve all heard it, exercising is supposed to be good for us! It helps manage weight, it helps lower high blood pressure, it strengthens bones and joints and lowers the risk of osteoporosis – and those damn kegels will make us not pee our pants one day!

Sporadically throughout my life, I have been known to exercise. Often with an underlying reason, like trying to look good for a boy, or wanting to fit into a dress, but I’ve never been a big fitness person. Pregnancy did in no way change this! Some women will be jogging while 9-months pregnant or, like my sister-in-law, in a full yoga bridge-pose a few weeks before delivery – This would NOT be me! I wouldn’t say that I plop myself down on the couch with a box of chocolates for nine-months, but……. I did buy some prenatal exercise DVD’s, and I think I might have opened one of them. Does that count?

Anyways, I decided a few weeks ago, that it was time to get in shape!

I started out with a few Pilates classes, and it went really well! I could feel it, but to my big surprise, I was able to keep up. Best of all, there were a few “larger” men in the class huffing and puffing next to me, which made me feel really good about myself!

Feeling maybe a bit too good about myself, I signed up for something called Body Sculpt – who wouldn’t want to sculpt themselves a little right?! Well, first of all, contrary to the Pilates class, this one had mainly men in it. Secondly, there were dumbbells involved! I almost turned around on my heels when I saw those long things and the weights supposed to be added to them! But then I saw the instructor, who was a woman, and figured; okay, I can do this! Technically I could do it, but I most definitely shouldn’t have!

I very strategically placed myself in the way back of the room – even a little bit behind the rest of the crowd in the back, just to make sure nobody could see me. And off we were, with the first of one billion squats and lunges……

You know how they talk about pain, as being potentially good? This was not good pain! I should have probably listened to my body and stopped when the pain went from somewhat good pain to just plain pain. For whatever stupid reason though, I decided to keep going! The amount of weight you added to the dumbbell was up to you. I could leave this next part out, and try to sound cool, but that train already left. So I will just admit to it – I had zero wights on my bar. Yep, I just had the stick itself…. which to my defense is very heavy!

Already an hour after the class was over I was aching! My arms caved in as I was cutting up my daughters dinner! I thought it wasn’t supposed to hurt until the next day?! And ooohh it hurt then too! It hurt the next day – and the day after that, and the day after that…..

Attempting to manage the pain over these past days has been interesting. Certain styles of walking have shown effective. Walking downstairs requires something along the lines of Forest Gump in leg-braces, while holding on to the wall and railing, in an attempt to lift myself slightly as I gently lower my body onto the next step. Walking upstairs requires a whole different technique, more along the lines of how the middle-child walks when she has a big surprise in her diaper. Walking straight seems to be more of a hunched over pigeon-toed style. And lastly all types of sitting down or standing up, is your classic very old lady right after knee-surgery.

Arguments could be made, that if I went more often, it wouldn’t hurt so much! Or how the pain is testament to the fact that I really should go back! I also do appreciate the prospect of limiting the risk of osteoporosis, and not peeing my pants as I age! But with the amount of unattractive pain I’ve been in this week, I have my doubts?! At least I think I might need a few more Pilates classes before I attempt to sculpt anything again!

 

The Baby-Wearer

Posted on by
Reply

Seeing the recent cover of Time Magazine I had an instant sensation in my stomach. You see, people might believe, that the kind of mother who makes other mothers feel inadequate is the skinny, always in-full make-up, high-heels-wearing, career and family juggling mother. For me this is not the case! Sure these mothers are annoying as all get out, but there’s a whole different breed out there: a breed who’s sole purpose in life (I believe) is to make me feel inadequate! I call them the baby-wearers!

In Time Magazine, they’ve given us a double whammy, with a baby-wearer, who also happens to be a skinny 26-year-old with perky breasts! Thank you Time Magazine – THANK YOU!

If you haven’t already come across a baby-wearer, then let me paint you a picture:
She feeds her children solely homemade organic baby food, from vegetables she has most likely sowed and reaped herself. She breastfeeds her child until he or she is in grade school, she will daily create a wide range of homemade crafts, she would never let her children watch TV (she probably wouldn’t even own one), she home-schools, she practices co-sleeping and she wears her babies in earthy homemade baby-slings.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with any of this per se, but how on earth am I supposed to live up to that!? I’m too busy being a mother!

Sure if I had twice as many hours in a day, and needed half the amount of sleep, I would milk my own goat and make homemade goats milk yogurt for my children! And I would never even think to turn on the TV, because I would have endless amounts of energy to play and do crafts.

In reality though, I’m purely a mortal. I simply try to live up to my own best, and most days, I actually think I do a pretty good job…..

I make sure my children eat healthy foods, but the baby food will most likely be the pre-made organic kind. Drawing, with perhaps a few stickers thrown in the mix, is as crafty as it gets around here – I honestly don’t even want to imagine the horror my kids could get out of paper-mache! I attempted to put my oldest daughter in a baby-sling when she was little, admittedly mostly to look all cool and earthy, but I was so awkward with it, and she kept sliding out, so I use a Baby Bjorn, even though it doesn’t look as cool! I play with my children, I read to my children, and I laugh with my children – but I will also turn on the TV at least once a day! I tuck my children in at night, in their own beds. We are all happy – and I am quite exhausted!

I think it is time for me to stop feeling like I have to live up to others – especially such annoying overachievers! I’m rebelling against myself and my feeling of inadequacy. It’s time to be proud of what I do do every day, instead of feeling inadequate for what I don’t do! It’s time to be happy with my unique me, mothering my unique children, in my unique way!

Now let’s see if I can keep up the momentum next time some baby-wearer tells me how she just filled the freezer with homemade gluten-free baby-food and finished her daily yoga routine, all whilst her two-year-old was nursing throughout a downward-dog pose! – Might I still have a  slight feeling of under achievement?

 

Where’s my Oprah-moment?!

Posted on by
1

Setting the scene…
Witching-hour has commenced, the house is in ruins, my husband is running late at work, I’m sleep-deprived, the baby is screaming, the middle-child is putting on her own production of Stomp and the oldest just spilled milk all over the sofa! Now instead of me on the verge of tears, envision this:

All of a sudden the intro music to The Oprah Winfrey show starts playing. Magically the living-room is transformed into a TV-studio. I am on the stage, and there she is! Oprah Winfrey, in all her glory, saying things like “Own Your Power” and ” Where There is no Struggle, There is No Strength”, all while she and her entire audience, is clapping and nodding in acknowledgement to the amazingness that is me and my motherly struggles.

Before having children, I used to watch made-for-TV-moments like this, and honestly find it all a bit excessive. The majority of woman become mothers at some point in their lives right? – so what’s the big whoop!? I’ll tell you what the big whoop is …. children are terrible! We love them more than anything, and every day contains moments that make it all worth while. But let’s face it, those little ones can be absolute monsters!

Sleepless nights, colic, witching-hour, teething, waiting rooms at doctors offices – it’s hard work! Whether you are a stay-at-home mom, working full-time or part-time – it’s hard work! Moments like those are enough to make anyone loose their minds! And I’m sure it doesn’t get easier by the time those monsters are teenagers, slamming doors and sneaking beers out of the refrigerator.

Some days you just need someone to tell you, you’re doing a good job! Some days, when you’re having one of those almost-in-tears-moments, you need appreciation of a magnitude that only Oprah could give you! Nothing less!

So to all you mothers out there: Go kiss your wonderful [terrible] children, and know that Oprah and I believe you to deserve much appreciation. You all rock and you’ve taken on one of the hardest jobs in the world!
 

How To Keep Your Wife From Hitting The Fan

Posted on by
Reply
I love my husband. Now let’s get on with it ……

I get mad at my husband!

Being pregnant and postpartum continuously for quite some years now, I get mad at him A LOT! Even in my dreams, I’ll be mad at him! Most of the time, I don’t even think he realizes that I’m mad at him. Days will pass, and he will all of a sudden say “wait a minute, are you mad about something?”, realizing that I have given him the silence treatment for two days! …. or maybe he did realize, but decided to enjoy the calm!

Either way, when he does realize, he will usually humor me, and let me fight with him. You see, it is most definitely always me, who is having a fight with- or at him, without much participation from his side.

This could work, if he actually listened and took notice, but no! This is the most infuriating thing! He will only listen half way. He actually has an amazing talent, where he zones out all background noise, picks out a few thought-provoking words, and creates his own new perception. For example, if I go on about needing more help, and how hard it is being alone with toddlers and a new baby, he somehow just hears the word baby, and then his male brain brings him to “let’s go practice making another one!”  – Are you kidding me!

The thing is, I actually don’t believe myself to be all that complicated. Woman are from Venus and men are from Mars?…. Nah! I might be slightly crazy, but It’s all very simple and earthly. So the measures it takes to keep me from hitting the fan, might not always be rational, but they are quite straightforward.

Dear Husband, the following advice is for you……

  • First of all, if I am pregnant, postpartum or PMS’ing, avoid any spontaneous conversation all together! 
  •  Sometimes I need to vent. Do not come up with solutions! I do not want to solve things – I want to dwell in them! I only want comments from you, stating how sorry you are, or that you get where I’m coming from and that you agree with me! You do not have to reason with me, even if I’m being unreasonable!  
  • If for some idiotic reason an x-girlfriend or fling is brought up in conversation, the only correct thing to say is: “she’s terrible!”. Do not tell me how “she’s actually a nice girl” or “quite sweet” and unless you tell me she’s fat and wrinkled, I don’t even want to know the color of her hair!
    • if you have already disregarded the above mentioned points, and set me off, then do not attempt to win the argument. It will only end badly. I am always right!

      
                                                                             – Sincerely your loving wife